Executors see a lot of intimate details and secrets as part of their job. If the executor was a friend or family member of the decedent, this can be very emotional and hard to unsee. It’s often better for friends and family to have a disinterested professional executor instead. Using a professional executor without emotional connection can spare the family and friends from the intimate details.

Professional executors protect secrets

Executors have a legal duty to protect and honor the reputation of the decedent. Decision-making is not all about the money in the estate. Sometimes, the executor needs to make a decision that costs some money, but it’s worth it to protect the legacy and reputation of the deceased.

So, what kind of secrets might the executor need to protect?

It’s not exactly a secret, but oftentimes executors protect the legacy of the decedent’s living conditions. The executor understands that revealing a hoarding situation would be embarrassing. Similarly, the decedent may have been pinching pennies in a sparsely furnished apartment, but did not let anyone know about their true financial situation. An example of this was the Brooke Aster case: she was a very wealthy woman who contributed millions to charities. Unfortunately, her estate was heavily contested and the ugly details about her end-of-life living conditions became public. Ms. Aster had been sleeping on a urine-stained mattress in her kitchen. Not an image she would have wanted the public to envision.

Executors also protect the knowledge of the decedent’s habits. Sometimes the decedent drank more than people knew. Maybe that’s what the decedent felt he needed to do to get through his final years, but that doesn’t mean he’d want his family and friends to know. This also extends to drugs (prescription and recreational). Another habit to protect is the decedent’s pornography addiction or sexual habits. It would be uncomfortable for the kids and grandkids to know about grandma’s active sex life.

Professional executors spare your heirs from regret

We clean up those embarrassing apartments. It can be emotionally shocking for friends and family to see how you lived, ate, and slept. They might be unprepared to see a medicine cabinet full of pain killers. The image they draw from your living conditions may lead them to believe you were lonelier than you really were. It can cause them to grieve more once they see how you lived.

If you want them to have only the fondest memories, spare them from the estate cleanup.

Professional executors buffer drama among heirs

As we discussed, it is hard to unsee those secrets. This often leads to the heightened emotional state of the family/friend executor, which can spark conflict and drama among heirs. For example, the executor friend might blame the decedent’s boyfriend for not taking better care of her at the end of her life. Sometimes it’s better if family and friends are in the dark a bit; no need to see it all.

A professional executor can work through the issues of the estate without getting emotionally involved. To the extent that there is any drama, we act as a buffer. Let the heirs get mad at us.

Hiring a professional executor allows family and friends to have fond memories of you and allows them to continue healthy relationships with each other.

Solo Ager Book

To learn more about estate planning for Solo Agers, click the link below for a free copy of my book, “The Solo Ager Estate Plan.”

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Many of our Solo Agers wonder “how will my executor know I died?” (Especially if they’ve chosen me as their professional executor, as opposed to someone they see daily). Solo Agers tend to live alone, so this is a very understandable and common question.

Notify in case of death

In New York, many Solo Agers live in buildings with a doorman, which is very convenient. Many of these buildings have “Notify in Case of Death/Emergency” forms. The Solo Ager would put my name on the form and indicate that I am the executor. Also, your doorman or super will know if something is wrong when they don’t see you coming and going anymore. Over time, they tend to recognize routines and changes to them.

Some doctors have similar forms to add my name as attorney/executor. The doctor will know what to do from there.

Perhaps you made pre-paid funeral arrangements, or you have chosen your funeral home. The funeral home should also have the same type of forms.

Leave clues

Aside from having official paperwork to notify the executor, you should also leave clues of who to contact in case of death.

Make sure your executor is listed in your paper address book. Believe it or not, it’s not always easy to get contact information from a person’s cell phone.

Another way is to put the executor/attorney’s business card on the refrigerator. Hopefully it would be obvious to someone who comes into your home that they should call that attorney upon your passing.

Once you have asked us to be your executor, we send you items on occasion, such as books and holiday cards. This is a less subtle way to let someone know who to contact. Maybe your neighbor comes in and finds that you have passed. If she sees the “How to Hire a Professional Executor Book” on your coffee table and a holiday card from us on the mantel, then hopefully she would put the clues together and call our office.

Annual check-ins

Once you hire us to be your professional executors, we call you for annual check-ins. These calls will naturally result in casual mentions among friends: “I was just taking to my executor…”

So now your friends know that you have a professional executor, even if they don’t know my name. That should trigger them to search for my name upon your passing. Asking friends to remember little details of your life is probably not realistic. So, a few clues are more likely to recall something you said earlier.

Another reason these check-in calls are helpful is that the conversations give me an update on ongoing health issues. If there is a downward trend, I will know to monitor your situation a little more often.

Worst case scenario, if you were to pass away a minute after we hang up from our annual call, I’ll know within a year when it’s time for our next call. It’s not ideal, but it works.

There’s no perfect way of letting me know, but these are the most common scenarios. If you don’t already have one, please click the link below to get a free copy of my book, “The Solo Ager Estate Plan.”

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Many of our Solo Ager clients ask if I’ll serve as their successor (not primary) executor. The short answer is yes. We discuss why solo agers ask for successor executors.

Planning to be a future Solo Ager

They may not be Solo Agers at the moment, but they are planning for when they will could become a Solo Ager. It’s smart: planning two steps ahead.

Married, no kids

Mrs. M and her husband named each other as their executors in their wills, which is common. At some point, one of them will die first.

The husband named his brother as his successor executor (in case Mrs. M predeceases him).

Mrs. M doesn’t have siblings or other close family members. She doesn’t want her brother-in-law acting as her executor if her husband predeceases. Mrs. M needed a successor executor of her choosing.

That is why she reached out to our office, and we are happy to work with her.

Girlfriend, no kids, wants to disinherit

Mr. C named his girlfriend as his executor, since he wants to disinherit his family members and leave everything to his girlfriend.

He is also disinheriting his nieces and nephews (next-of-kin). If his girlfriend predeceases him, Mr. C is leaving his estate to charity.

If his girlfriend predeceases him, Mr. C needs someone like a professional executor to handle everything, since there is no one else. Also, since Mr. C is disinheriting family, a professional executor is a good choice.

Along those lines, even if his girlfriend is alive, she may not want to accept her role of executor. She probably won’t want to deal with a messy contest and engage in a court battle with the heirs. The girlfriend has the option to decline and let a professional executor to step-in to handle the mess. She will still get the inheritance check at the end, but she wouldn’t have to deal with the heirs.

Mr. C set up the will to give her options: she can serve as executor if she’s ok with the situation, or she can let the professional executor take over.

Sometimes we get calls asking us to act as successor executors, and we are happy to help.

If you want to learn more about Solo Ager situations, click the link below for a free copy of my book, “The Solo Ager Estate Plan.”

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To my surprise, we keep getting calls from Solo Agers in California asking me to serve as their executor and trustee. Let’s explain why this is surprising.

California is a leader of professional executors and trustees

I thought that California has a robust and developed industry of professional executors. For instance, California has a state licensing agency: Professional Fiduciaries Bureau. You have to apply to receive a license to be an in-state professional fiduciary. There are also trade groups like the Professional Fiduciary Association of California.

There is a whole infrastructure for personal executors in California that you don’t see in other states. This led me to believe that there is an abundance of professional fiduciaries in California.

Yet, solo agers can’t find professional executors in California

While Californians are able to find professional executors, it is hard to find a professional executor that is focused on Solo Ager issues. So, these Solo Agers feel like they’re put into a cookie-cutter plan. For example, some Solo Agers are being told to just leave everything to their kids – even when they are estranged, or they don’t have kids!

Yes, I can be executor outside of NY, including California

For the above reason alone, I want you to know that even though I am based in New York, I can be a professional executor for someone outside of New York, including California.

Just keep in mind that there are some drawbacks when you choose an out-of-state executor. There may be travel costs and slightly less familiarity with local customs. The trade-off is that you’ll have a professional that you are comfortable with. A professional executor is well-versed in administering an estate generally, even if not specific to a certain location’s customs.

Whether you live here or across the country: If you are looking for a professional fiduciary to focus on your Solo Ager issues, it would be my honor to help you.

If you want learn how probate works for Solo Agers, check out the link to my free book, “The Solo Ager Estate Plan.”

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The following are three recent questions from our Solo Ager readers. Thanks for your questions!

As a side note before we begin: I’ve noticed that a more popular phrase is “Elder Orphans” rather than “Solo Agers.” I feel like “orphans” sounds like a bit of a downer. Please let us know what you think in the comments.

Can I disinherit with a poor man’s will?

A “poor man’s will” is a slang term for not having an official will, but rather, using your beneficiary designations to patch together an estate plan. You can disinherit people this way, but it probably won’t work out the way you hope.

Too often, beneficiary designations do not reflect your final wishes. People often forget who they named as beneficiaries on their accounts. That kind of information doesn’t show up on your monthly statement; you have to call the bank. Another reason is that your account balance is continually changing. Maybe you want to leave your bank account to your nephew, but you like your niece more, so you leave her your larger brokerage account. Then, you leave the other brokerage account to your brother. What if one brokerage account over-performs and the other account tanks? Now your wishes are out of whack.

When doing a poor man’s will, you don’t have the structure to run your estate. People like to avoid probate because the process is long, but probate actually gives structure to the process after someone passes away. Structure is important to make sure debts, taxes, and expenses get paid. You could run into the situation where no one knows who is supposed to pay for the funeral. Or maybe the IRS is hunting down all possible heirs to pay the taxes.

Without a probate estate, there are no funds to pay an executor. If all the assets have a named beneficiary, there is no operating account for the estate. Most people don’t want to do the executor work without compensation.

The way to disinherit without using a poor man’s will is using an “in terrorem” clause with a disincentive payment. An in terrorem clause is when you disinherit someone by cutting them out of the will if they object to the will. But that only works if that person is going to get something. (It doesn’t work to say they get nothing, and if they object, they get more of nothing!).

Who will scatter my ashes if I move out of state?

One reader asked who will scatter her ashes if she moves out of state, away from her executor (in this case, I’m her professional executor).

The executor can still honor those wishes out of state. FedEx delivers ashes, and we work with the local funeral director to make sure the ashes get shipped correctly – The estate will pay for the shipping costs. Alternatively, the estate can pay for the executor to fly out of state if there are sufficient funds.

Who should I hire to make my funeral arrangements?

One reader asked if they should hire me, as a professional executor, to make funeral arrangements. Is hiring a person better than buying a prepaid funeral arrangement?

I am not a fan of prepaid funeral plans. With all due respect to my funeral director colleagues, I’m not a fan of prepaying for anything. If you want to set aside money in an account for your heirs to pay for the funeral, that is fine. Locking yourself into a prepaid plan is not the best idea. Funeral homes are not great managers of other people’s money. For example, we had an estate of a deceased funeral director and had to open the funeral home books to see who was owed what. We were tasked with refunding money to people who had prepaid funeral plans, since the funeral director passed. The records were not well-kept, and it was quite a mess.

You can use legal documents for choosing who will be in charge of your funeral plans, and you can have a separate account with funeral funds available. This allows you to change your plans. Suppose you buy burial plots in one state and then you move to another state. Don’t lock your plans in too much because you don’t know how your wishes will change in the future.

A similar question: is the professional executor a “one-stop shop?” Yes, if you ask me to serve as your professional executor, I will have annual check-in calls with you. I can’t just meet you once and put my name on your documents. We don’t have to be best friends, but we need to have a relationship that gives me a general sense of how to carry out your wishes.

Another question: should I name my funeral director as my executor? No. Unless your funeral director is a unique individual who has significant experience serving as executor, then it’s a definite no. They might be excellent at managing final affairs and ceremonies but acting as an executor is a completely different skill set. Just because death relates the two roles doesn’t mean the skill sets are related.

Again, we appreciate your questions. Please keep sending them in! If you don’t have a copy of my book, the Solo Ager Estate Plan, click the link below.

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